I am back!
I've wanted to say that for many of days now!
"I am back!" as much as I can be.
I know several have checked on me
realizing I've been missing in action
and I thank you for that, your prayers
and concerns have been felt for sure!
One even said, I had them scared! Oh no,
not as scared as I was I can promise you that!
For those who haven't a clue I've been missing,
just where have I been!? Well that's a good
question. But, I'll start with what I know!
The night of May 5th my life forever changed!
I was at a restaurant with just me and my
youngest daughter and choked! My daughter
instantly knew something was wrong and said,
"do I need to call dad?" Luckily, I was
able to pay and get to my vehicle and call my
husband! We paid the ER a visit, they gave me
an injection to dislodge the food and another to calm
me down! I panicked way beyond disbelief. I have never
been so scared in my life! They told me to visit the GI
clinic that following week to see what was up!
Because I think I am Wonder Woman
and don't go to the doctor
for every little thing, I was certain I'd heal on
my own. The week went on knowing something wasn't
still right! I couldn't eat and if I did manage to
get something down I'd have weird sensations
afterwards. As if my body thought
it was to go into a panic everytime
I ate. Which caused more worrying,
more panic!
That Friday night got pretty bad.
I can't really go into full details right now
only because I am still trying to heal
mental from all this. And to rehash all of it
right now I am not sure is a healthy thing to do.
Maybe one day in the future I can give you
moment by moment details of just what all this
has been like for me. What all my symptoms were,
what all my husband witness! My grandmother says
it will be the sequel to My Book! I guess she
might be right, the emotional side of life
after cancer!
That following Saturday night I landed in the ER
once again. Dehydrated! Staying the night there,
waking in the middle of the night in a full
blown panic attack and the next morning,
Mother's Day, had an upper GI.
The sweet little gracious doctor talked
with the hubby and said it really wasn't nothing big
or bad. He stretched my esophagus and I should be good
to go. Meaning I should be fine!
Well, I slept alot that afternoon because of the
meds they gave me to do the procedure.
Monday morning, it was very clear to me that I
wasn't "fine"! I was still very weak. I could
only eat pretty much Popsicles and alittle Jello.
I called my mother to come be with me.
We were so puzzled!
I was having very unexplained panic attacks,
still couldn't eat, couldn't sleep! All I did was
lay around! My mother had to do all my cooking
and laundry!
The hubby made me an appointment
with the primary doctor that Wednesday.
She treated me for anxiety/ panic/
depression-if you wish!!!! Yes, she prescribed me
antidepressants. Gosh oh me oh my! Never in my life
thought I would take them yet alone thought I would be
that bad off to agree to! I was bad off! I seriously think
a breaker flipped in my body through all the trauma
of the choking. Plus all the trauma in my past,
I am not sure my body could keep up! My mind
worrying could there really be something else
wrong! I wasn't getting any better!
Those pills were a joke for me. I know so many people
who take them or have taking them to get them through
something. Those things like to have killed me! I am better
off to work through this myself.
So here I am in week 4. I am more functional, but
still can only eat like soups, warm slimy stuff.
Test after test
have been done to rule out stuff!
(Esophagus Cancer, thyroid cancer, etc.)
Especially with my health history there was lots of
concerns. Nothing has come to reason as to why any
of this has happen or is happening. Everything
comes back clear and with that I had
to make the decision to move on
and stop the testing to see if I get better!
When I say "today is better than yesterday"
I really mean it, but I am tired of saying it!
The baby steps are so hard!
I drove for the first time last week!
I went to church for the first time this Sunday!
I sneezed for the first time yesterday!
I sang along to my music on my ipad for the first
time yesterday! (I didn't sing at church Sunday)
I've made it through a first of sitting in a restaurant!
I know that sounds so stupid, but if you
could only be here or in this body of mine
you would know those things are BIG!
This has been the biggest damper on my home life!
I've had my days of crying (and I am not a crier)
because I am so over this!
I just want me back!
Please, please pray that I wake up one day
and it's all gone! Thanks for listening
and I am glad to share!
big hugs to all of you,
ashley :)
-----------------------
I actually wrote this post last week
and doing so much better since I wrote it!
The attacks are slowly disappearing and my
food intake has increased, I am getting there
slowly but surely! I am literally having to retrain
my mind and body how to eat, that it's okay
to eat. That eating is healthy not an endangerment
and nothing else is wrong with me. Prayers are still
welcomed. I am certain none of us
must walk alone!
P.S.
Here's what I know:
that me being a cancer survivor
has nothing to do with what happen to me
to begin with but what I do know is how my
mind reacted(being in the hospital, having
test, the way doctors reacted about some
bloodwork) lead my body to react in ways
that lead me to believe more was wrong,
which then caused more to be wrong,
it was a vicious cycle!
FYI: I am not psycho! (I just pretend to be)