I am back!

I've wanted to say that for many of days now!

"I am back!" as much as I can be.

I know several have checked on me

realizing I've been missing in action

and I thank you for that, your prayers

and concerns have been felt for sure!

One even said, I had them scared! Oh no,

not as scared as I was I can promise you that!

For those who haven't a clue I've been missing,

just where have I been!? Well that's a good

question. But, I'll start with what I know!

The night of May 5th my life forever changed!

I was at a restaurant with just me and my

youngest daughter and choked! My daughter

instantly knew something was wrong and said,

"do I need to call dad?" Luckily, I was

able to pay and get to my vehicle and call my

husband! We paid the ER a visit, they gave me

an injection to dislodge the food and another to calm

me down! I panicked way beyond disbelief. I have never

been so scared in my life! They told me to visit the GI

clinic that following week to see what was up!

Because I think I am Wonder Woman

and don't go to the doctor

for every little thing, I was certain I'd heal on

my own. The week went on knowing something wasn't

still right! I couldn't eat and if I did manage to

get something down I'd have weird sensations

afterwards. As if my body thought

it was to go into a panic everytime

I ate. Which caused more worrying,

more panic!

That Friday night got pretty bad.

I can't really go into full details right now

only because I am still trying to heal

mental from all this. And to rehash all of it

right now I am not sure is a healthy thing to do.

Maybe one day in the future I can give you

moment by moment details of just what all this

has been like for me. What all my symptoms were,

what all my husband witness! My grandmother says

it will be the sequel to My Book! I guess she

might be right, the emotional side of life

after cancer!

That following Saturday night I landed in the ER

once again. Dehydrated! Staying the night there,

waking in the middle of the night in a full

blown panic attack and the next morning,

Mother's Day, had an upper GI.

The sweet little gracious doctor talked

with the hubby and said it really wasn't nothing big

or bad. He stretched my esophagus and I should be good

to go. Meaning I should be fine!

Well, I slept alot that afternoon because of the

meds they gave me to do the procedure.

Monday morning, it was very clear to me that I

wasn't "fine"! I was still very weak. I could

only eat pretty much Popsicles and alittle Jello.

I called my mother to come be with me.

We were so puzzled!

I was having very unexplained panic attacks,

still couldn't eat, couldn't sleep! All I did was

lay around! My mother had to do all my cooking

and laundry!

The hubby made me an appointment

with the primary doctor that Wednesday.

She treated me for anxiety/ panic/

depression-if you wish!!!! Yes, she prescribed me

antidepressants. Gosh oh me oh my! Never in my life

thought I would take them yet alone thought I would be

that bad off to agree to! I was bad off! I seriously think

a breaker flipped in my body through all the trauma

of the choking. Plus all the trauma in my past,

I am not sure my body could keep up! My mind

worrying could there really be something else

wrong! I wasn't getting any better!

Those pills were a joke for me. I know so many people

who take them or have taking them to get them through

something. Those things like to have killed me! I am better

off to work through this myself.

So here I am in week 4. I am more functional, but

still can only eat like soups, warm slimy stuff.

Test after test

have been done to rule out stuff!

(Esophagus Cancer, thyroid cancer, etc.)

Especially with my health history there was lots of

concerns. Nothing has come to reason as to why any

of this has happen or is happening. Everything

comes back clear and with that I had

to make the decision to move on

and stop the testing to see if I get better!

When I say "today is better than yesterday"

I really mean it, but I am tired of saying it!

The baby steps are so hard!

I drove for the first time last week!

I went to church for the first time this Sunday!

I sneezed for the first time yesterday!

I sang along to my music on my ipad for the first

time yesterday! (I didn't sing at church Sunday)

I've made it through a first of sitting in a restaurant!

I know that sounds so stupid, but if you

could only be here or in this body of mine

you would know those things are BIG!

This has been the biggest damper on my home life!

I've had my days of crying (and I am not a crier)

because I am so over this!

I just want me back!

Please, please pray that I wake up one day

and it's all gone! Thanks for listening

and I am glad to share!

big hugs to all of you,

ashley :)

-----------------------

I actually wrote this post last week

and doing so much better since I wrote it!

The attacks are slowly disappearing and my

food intake has increased, I am getting there

slowly but surely! I am literally having to retrain

my mind and body how to eat, that it's okay

to eat. That eating is healthy not an endangerment

and nothing else is wrong with me. Prayers are still

welcomed. I am certain none of us

must walk alone!

P.S.

Here's what I know:

that me being a cancer survivor

has nothing to do with what happen to me

to begin with but what I do know is how my

mind reacted(being in the hospital, having 

test, the way doctors reacted about some

bloodwork) lead my body to react in ways

that lead me to believe more was wrong,

which then caused more to be wrong,

it was a vicious cycle!

FYI: I am not psycho! (I just pretend to be)