Festering Something Old

Strapping my seat belt across my chest, I drove to the church.

All the parking places in the upper lot were full. The sun beamed in my eyes as my car wind down to the lower lot. A parking space was vacant next to the stairs. I parked. Each knee bent climbing to the next step. A small group of older women stood at the top of the stairs. As I smiled, “hello” pushed across my Chap Stick lips. Each woman said, “hello” back.

Once inside the church, I walked past the information desk. A familiar face sat behind the desk. From across the room, we exchanged smiles.

Around the corner, classrooms line a narrow hallway. I stopped at one of the open doors. My Bible study meets in this classroom every Tuesday morning. In front of a chair, my feet stopped. The green purse on my shoulder slid to the floor. While the Bible and study book in my hands released into the chair. Not many of my Bible study partners were in the classroom yet. I spoke to the ones who were. Then made my way outside the door. Where I stood greeting those entering our classroom.

This particular week a new Bible study was underway. We watched a video, listened to worship music while journaling a few thoughts. For my comfort, I sat on the floor next to my chair. Once the music was over, I remained on the floor for the rest of the class period for group discussion. The topic of discussion was something along the lines “What’s something you feel God’s protected you from?”

My mind spun in all sorts of directions: not getting hurt when I drove my car through a ditch on purpose in high school, the misery of walking out the grief process when my father passed away, sparing my life from liver cancer.

My thoughts stopped there.

Mainly, because a woman in class started talking.

My back pressed against the wall.

From across the room, I continued listening to her response, “The Lord protected me as a teen. He guarded my heart against sexual impurity.”

My heart stopped.

I looked down.

Why would she say that? She knows my story. Can we not talk about something different?

The gut-wrenching knife poked in my stomach. Each breath forced it to turn deeper. The enemy did what he does best. He trapped me in the mindset “how could she”.

Class soon ended. I gathered my things bailing out.

Weeks went by.

My finger dragged upward on my phone screen. This navigated the news feed on Facebook. A sponsored ad appeared. My eyes were intrigued by a non-profit organization. Their outreach  encourages young unplanned pregnant moms.

The day in Bible study popped back in my head.

The Lord whispered, “I saved you too!” Then He continued speaking over my soul. Processing our conversation, on a notecard, I jotted down these words:

You may have been saved from places out of protection years ago. I have been saved too by going places most did not. We can all be safe. We can all be saved. Different paths. Different journeys. One true God.

See, I was that girl one day, pregnant unplanned. I was a pregnant teen at the age of 18 straight out of high school. My doctor engaged the subject of abortion when he told me, “you are pregnant”.  No way was I having an abortion. Although I accepted Christ as an early teen, not only did I have sex out of marriage, guilt and shame smothered many years of my life after giving birth. 

Until in recent years, He really revealed Himself to me through a friend saying, “shame is not of God”. He began restoring my soul mustarding those words over me. “Shame is not of Me.” I am happy to say my daughter is 20 years old this year.

Back to the day in Bible study, the enemy had fun festering something old. He knew right where he could attack me and did. My true God who rescued me once will again and again. He reminds me, I am His, I am loved, nothing of His is a mistake and by grace, He reigns forever life over me.

In him, we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, Ephesians 1:7-8 NIV

In him and through faith in him we may approach God with freedom and confidence. Ephesians 3:12 NIV

What He does for one He does for all.

Saved by grace.

Is the enemy festering an old sin of yours causing you to feel less than? 

Causing guilt to linger? 

Shame?
Are you someone who had a child at a young age? Out of wedlock?

*This post originally was entered in the Spring for a chance as a guest post on (in)courage blog.

You are awesome. You are loved. You matter. Please share this post with a friend. Be the light.

To read more of my personal story of my pregnancy read my first book, Daddy's Briefcase.